From now on my answer will be: Because China.
I've just pasted it here.
Here you go:
"Because China" is the only way to put it.
Last week I was in an elevator at 3pm with some nice people, patiently going downwards, stopping at every other floor for no reason because when most people in Guiyang want to call an elevator they hit both up and down regardless of which way they want to go (because China). Then the elevator suddenly dropped a foot or so (felt like way farther, but couldn't have been more than that), then shot to the 26th floor, then shot down to floor 1. We exited, confused and frightened, and a nice repairman explained that he assumed it was empty and was just about to do some repairs. Why would he assume that? Because China.
I went to a Pizza Hut with some friends a few days ago. (The Pizza Hut in Guiyang is one of the nicest restaurants in the city, partially because Chinese Pizza Huts are really nice places, and partially because Guiyang is a wasteland, which I say in an endearing way.) We ask if we can get a large pizza that's half one thing and half another. Nope, they don't do that. Okay, sure. We ordered a large pizza. Nope, they're out of large pizzas. Okay, that actually doesn't make any sense, but sure, we'll take a medium vegetable garden and a medium pepperoni, and a pitcher of pepsi. We can't give you a pizza with only pepperoni on it. Bullshit, yes, you can. Nope. Okay, whatever, not in the mood, give me the meat pizza. We get a small cup of pepsi and a medium pizza, half of which is vegetable garden and half of which is meat. I check the receipt. The receipt reflects what we ordered, both in English and Chinese. The waitress is at a loss to explain the theoretically impossible and utterly incorrect pizza. Why did they serve us that? Because China. (The previous time we went, we were served seven identical pizzas, having ordered three and paid for three, again because China.)
In the last month, I have been asked by different cab drivers, (1) how much whores are in America, (2) whether military service is compulsory in America, (3) if my parents are upset that I am 26 and unmarried, and (4) {edited out for content issue} But why do they think these are good questions to ask a guy who is trying to get to work? Because China.
A couple weeks ago, in the middle of the road I saw a twenty-five-foot-or-so ladder, being held upright by two men. It was unsupported by anything else. At the top was another man, working on a power line, with nothing to brace him, bolster him, or hold him but the ladder being held by two dudes. Cars were swerving all around them. Nobody found this exceptional. (Daniel once saw something similar to this - a ladder in the middle of the road leaning against a wire for some odd reason) Because, again, China.
It's not a land in which the foreigner suffers. It is not a hostile land or a wild land. It is, rather, a land of pointless minor absurdities and wholly unnecessary inconveniences, which coalesce to infuriate the ill-tempered and delight the rest. When I first arrived, I was informed by a nice older gentleman, "FIRSTNAME, do not ever ask 'why' here. You can ask yourself any other question, and the answers will enlighten you. But do not ask 'why,' because here, there is no 'why.'" And he was right. The answer--the only answer--to "why" is "because China."
So there you go. Because China. My life.
Last week I was in an elevator at 3pm with some nice people, patiently going downwards, stopping at every other floor for no reason because when most people in Guiyang want to call an elevator they hit both up and down regardless of which way they want to go (because China). Then the elevator suddenly dropped a foot or so (felt like way farther, but couldn't have been more than that), then shot to the 26th floor, then shot down to floor 1. We exited, confused and frightened, and a nice repairman explained that he assumed it was empty and was just about to do some repairs. Why would he assume that? Because China.
I went to a Pizza Hut with some friends a few days ago. (The Pizza Hut in Guiyang is one of the nicest restaurants in the city, partially because Chinese Pizza Huts are really nice places, and partially because Guiyang is a wasteland, which I say in an endearing way.) We ask if we can get a large pizza that's half one thing and half another. Nope, they don't do that. Okay, sure. We ordered a large pizza. Nope, they're out of large pizzas. Okay, that actually doesn't make any sense, but sure, we'll take a medium vegetable garden and a medium pepperoni, and a pitcher of pepsi. We can't give you a pizza with only pepperoni on it. Bullshit, yes, you can. Nope. Okay, whatever, not in the mood, give me the meat pizza. We get a small cup of pepsi and a medium pizza, half of which is vegetable garden and half of which is meat. I check the receipt. The receipt reflects what we ordered, both in English and Chinese. The waitress is at a loss to explain the theoretically impossible and utterly incorrect pizza. Why did they serve us that? Because China. (The previous time we went, we were served seven identical pizzas, having ordered three and paid for three, again because China.)
In the last month, I have been asked by different cab drivers, (1) how much whores are in America, (2) whether military service is compulsory in America, (3) if my parents are upset that I am 26 and unmarried, and (4) {edited out for content issue} But why do they think these are good questions to ask a guy who is trying to get to work? Because China.
A couple weeks ago, in the middle of the road I saw a twenty-five-foot-or-so ladder, being held upright by two men. It was unsupported by anything else. At the top was another man, working on a power line, with nothing to brace him, bolster him, or hold him but the ladder being held by two dudes. Cars were swerving all around them. Nobody found this exceptional. (Daniel once saw something similar to this - a ladder in the middle of the road leaning against a wire for some odd reason) Because, again, China.
It's not a land in which the foreigner suffers. It is not a hostile land or a wild land. It is, rather, a land of pointless minor absurdities and wholly unnecessary inconveniences, which coalesce to infuriate the ill-tempered and delight the rest. When I first arrived, I was informed by a nice older gentleman, "FIRSTNAME, do not ever ask 'why' here. You can ask yourself any other question, and the answers will enlighten you. But do not ask 'why,' because here, there is no 'why.'" And he was right. The answer--the only answer--to "why" is "because China."
So there you go. Because China. My life.
