Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army
A quick note:
I don’t mind if you want to quote a few items from my list of your site. But please do not copy the list in it’s entirety.
Explanations of these events:
a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.)
b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.)
c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.)
d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic porn?”)
e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz…what is *that*?” said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? “Um….a rubber sheep…I can explain why that’s there….”)
To explain how I’ve stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly….. I’m funny, so they let me live.
2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.
78. I may not call block my chain of command.
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
116. Crucifying mice – bad idea.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
128. “Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make “MRE” bombs.
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
148. Putting red “Mike and Ike’s” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
159. When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.
165. I do not get “that time of month”.
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.
195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
This is just some of the better ones. There are plenty of other funny ones. Check them out.
I laughed through most of the list.