Some thoughts

I'm sorry I haven't posted much recently. I have some back blogging to do and some catching up for you all. I have some fun random pictures to post. Things have been pretty busy for the last week and half. 

I have some thoughts I need to put down in writing. There are some circumstances at home that are contributing to a feeling of homesickness. When things go on 8,000 miles away that can't be changed by your being there, but you still want to be home, it's very easy to get frustrated. I'm being tested in ways that I've never been tested before. I'm dealing with challenges that, at times, seem unfair. Add that to the fact that we are committed to a short extension, and all of the sudden I want to be done and just move home. Fortunately we are going to have a few trips coming soon, then in May more Lifetime people are coming for six months, so our time will go quickly.

At the same time as our good experience will go by quickly, it's amazing how much can go wrong in a very short amount of time. During the last week I had two tender mercies shared with me that have given my heart comfort. A comfort that I need as the ache sometimes becomes physically painful. I'm going to share them here and hope they can benefit other people too.

The first: I read a blog called Segullah. There was a post on Saturday, the 17th, that was really what I needed. It was titled "That Thing That is of Most Worth. A woman wrote about a time when that phrase struck very true wherein she had a moment when those things that valued most could have been taken away from her. Then she remembered the following scripture:

Romans 8:35-39

 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

 36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

 37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

 38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I got the overwhelming feeling that if I did not feel the love of Christ and my Heavenly Father at any point, it was my fault. How wonderful to know that no matter what, Christ's love is there for me to feel. Things that go wrong are not his fault. Most of the time they are part God's plan to turn me into the most amazing "me" that he has planned. Unfortunately I'm going to get a few bumps and bruises along the way.  I just wish the bumps and bruises along the way didn't hurt so much. 

On Sunday I shared this is our Relief Society "Lesson." Once a month the sisters in our group go into a separate room while the men have Elder's Quorum over skype. We had a discussion and share helpful things. It's always enjoyable. This week we talked about the George Albert Smith Lesson #3: Our Testimony of Jesus Christ.

As we talked about President Smith's testimony and a few other things, I felt compelled to share the Romans reference. Then our group leader shared a corresponding thought. She had had a stillborn child in the late 80s and had just gotten home from the hospital feeling empty, in so many ways. She had children at home, but the pain was still very acute. She opened up the Ensign and read a poem, almost never reading the poetry at any other time. It was this:

Coins

By Jean Chapin Seifert

Little one,

remember when I took

the five brown pennies

from your hand,

and in their place

I put a gleaming silver dime?

To my surprise,

you cried with rage—

replacing five with one

could not be fair!

 

I smiled, then,

at childish reckoning …

until I thought how often

that our Father takes away

the copper blessings

from my hand

and in their place

He puts more precious ones.

Yet, angrily, I count myself

defrauded by the gift.

I have not understood

Eternal reckoning.

 

Someday I hope to understand eternal reckoning. Right now I cannot imagine anything more valuable than what I fear I will loose this year, but the Lord' love is there for me and there will be something amazing that he blesses me with at some future date. I feel I'm at risk of loosing my "dime" like blessings all too soon and I can't yet see the quarter or silver dollar that is coming my 

way. But they will come and I just have to search for the love of my Savior in the meantime. I pray it comforts me through my "太硬" (tai nan) trails right now.

I'm so glad I have a testimony of the gospel. I'm so grateful that I have the gospel. In China, that gratitude is felt with more conviction as we are more on our own than we would be at home. I'm so grateful for my husband who is a worthy priesthood holder and can give me a blessing when my heart is unsettled. Without the gospel my life would seem to crumble around me. That is my testimony, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.