A lot of thoughts, forgive my ramblings.

I will often have these thoughts that I want to expound upon and reason out in writing, and then I get busy. Today I found a few minutes and so I'm going to write some of those thoughts out.

On Saturday Daniel and I spent the day in an adoption conference. We both enjoyed it and are still processing the information we gleaned from those sessions. And then yesterday my sister-in-law shared a thought that sort of dove tailed with something we heard on Saturday.

Thoughts from Saturday: Adoption is hard. Everything about our situation is a challenge. I am a type A sort of personality. I like control, rules, lists, plans, and most of all, I want things in order. One presenter from Saturday said she had a hard time with infertility because she was doing what she was supposed to. She was trying to earn her gold stars, but they never came. The disconnect was difficult. I can relate. One of the stages of grief is bargaining. That disconnect seems to fit right there, in the bargaining section. I have to admit I've been doing some of this lately. "Heavenly Father, tell me what I have to do to earn my reward." Yes, I think being able to have a family is a reward. But it's not working that way. And it is very hard and frustrating, to the point of tears some days.

A bit ago some woman had the audacity to write this article. Don't get me wrong, she is totally justified in feeling what she feels. But what about when just getting one child could ruin you? What if it cost you more than a car, just to get that first bundle of joy to worry about? Many of her arguments for the "flip-side" are felt by small families and families built through the struggles of infertility. Like Daniel said, as hard as it may be, you have something YOU can do about. We don't. Most of us. Daniel and I happen to have an answer, just no solution.

So then we are in the world of trying to build a family. Do you know how to have children when you can't have children? Adoption is one word. But there's more. How about marketing yourself? Did you have to have a marketing budget? Did you have to have an account at the bank titled "in case our life changes tomorrow fund?" Did you spend lots of time worrying if you enough or the right ones for the birth mother scanning profiles? Did you ever wonder if you had to change who you were so you could get picked? What if your true self is not enough? If you are enough, how can you get the right information in the right place at the right time? Were you worried about planning something 4 months out because your life could change with one phone call? We are in that situation. But nothing is coming. We are trying to live life as we have it, but with the little thought in the back of our minds that something might change. Hoping something might change. But it hasn't and as of right now it doesn't look that way. We just planned a dream trip for April and I'm torn up inside because I don't want to have the trouble that will come if we have to readjust everything. But I also want a call tomorrow that allows us to go the way of family building. What do you do when you want two good things that don't necessarily work together very well?

When my sister-in-law came over yesterday she was telling us about a Stake somewhere that had decided they wanted to be good missionaries through the internet. They assigned some people to write on a blog and some people to comment. Google does this thing where the more hits and comments, the more hits you get. Self fulfilling sort of thing. She suggested we ask a friend or family member on a rotating basis to leave an uplifting comment on each one of our posts. I'm happy to say that our post about Sushi on the adoption blog got 98 hits that day. Thank you to the people who shared it on facebook. Unfortunately, one instance of popularity won't cut it forever.

This is where I beg. We (maybe just me?) are a bundle of conflicted emotions. I'm asking for your courage and a few prayers. Will you pray for us that the right thing happens? It's hard to watch "the right things" happen for others and wonder if it is happening for us or will happen for us. I have nightly conversations with a legion of personal demons about that one. Send me your address and I'll mail you some cards with information about us. I'll share on facebook each time we post on the adoption blog and I ask that you take 5 seconds and share it, not just like it. If you have a minute and are feeling particularly generous, leave a comment. Friends and family are my best asset right now in our attempt to build a family. Maybe later when we win the lottery we can afford a bigger marketing budget, but right now my only budget allotment is time. And I seem to be running short on emotional energy to dedicate that time.