On hope and letting go of bitterness

We have all had bitterness in our lives at some point. Maybe it's held personally towards another person or circumstance, or maybe it was held towards us. Maybe it was a stew of bitterness at a general situation that then explodes with the final straw.

Today at work I was the receipt of someone else's bitterness. This person blew up over a parking issue. This person was parking where they shouldn't have. Simple as that. It ended by their calling me some pretty terrible names with some ugly language. I know this person and know that they are now divorced, their business is suffering and things are going down hill in general. But that is no excuse for being mean to someone. This person seems consumed by stress, bitterness, and anger.

I think we all have moments that are consumed by stress, but I hope to be able to avoid the bitterness and anger. If we look for it, we can find any reason to be bitter or angry. Life is so much better when we let it go, or better yet, don't even allow it in the first place.

I've held bitterness before, a grudge, if you will. It  has not been worth the effort. Ever. Did you know it takes effort to hold a grudge and to keep bitterness in you? It can exhaust you. Just let it go and move on to much better things. There are so many better ways to spend your energy.

Sometimes people have bitter for us in the adoption journey. Don't be jealous for us. It's our battle, our journey, and we are walking it pretty well. Be happy when others are blessed, have hope for our turn, and spread the love of adoption. I try very hard not to be bitter when others get picked, when we've had an active profile for over 3 years and are still spending our evenings going to bed early and sleeping through the night. We are trying to enjoy the time we have with just the two of us and being happy for others.

Sometimes it hurts to not be picked, or matched, or have our name spread as much as others. But I trust the Lord to do what he promised to do. To provide me with a family and children of my own. I tease that it's taking so long because God wants to send me the perfect children. People get a chuckle out of that, but really, we will get the perfect situation for us. And when the time is right, it will happen. In the meantime we are trying to let go of bitterness and enjoy the happy things and the beautiful things and do what we can while we can.

My Talk for My Dad

As I said in the last post I talked about my dad as a family man. Here is my talk:

I am going to be talking about my dad as a family man: a man who is a son, a brother, a husband, and a father.

Son

“What gift has providence bestowed on man that is so dear to him as his children?” – Cicero

My father was born to Janis and Calvin Arave on April 18, 1957 in Richmond, Virginia. 

Grandma –  Growing up He always said he wanted to be a cowboy and the west was where that was going to happen for him. My grandma said while growing up my dad was always interested in hats. She has so many pictures of him wearing various kinds of hats. That continued. Our downstairs closet has a slew of hats for all kinds of occasions. 

He was also an avid boy scout. My father was interested in outdoors, camping and scouting. From his earliest days he was interested in ways to improve himself with earning merit badges and working at scout camp. When my father earned his Eagle Scout Award he was the youngest kid in Virginia at the time at 13 years and 7 months old. He was so proud of that. One of his most cherished experiences was when he went to Philmont boys scout camp in New Mexico. 

For many summers he worked in various capacities at Montfair, a local ranch in Albemarle county Virginia. So many things he did as a child and young man and in his recent life as well, have given my grandmother joy in her son. Just last night after a 3 hour viewing,  I mentioned to my Grandma Arave that wasn't it amazing how many people love my dad and how many lives he touched. She told me that a while ago he was talking with her about his life. He said that he may not have done everything professionally that he could have done, not published as much as others but that didn't remember as long as he was remembered as a good man. The hundreds of people who have come to his viewing and who are here today would say that yes Joe, you are a good man. You will be known for that.

Grandpa – I remember my dad telling a few specific memories about his father. One of the earliest was when my dad was twelve he went for his first camping trip by himself. My grandpa dropped him off and let him head down the trail. My dad did his thing and the next morning when hiked back out he found out that his father had spent the night at the trail head. It was good for him to always know how much his parents cared for him, but also allowing him to learn, grow, and explore with his youthful curiosity.

Brother

Clara Ortega had this to say about siblings “To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.”

Marc Brown said: “Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero.”

My dad was the third of five children. 

He lost his oldest sister in 2007 to a nasty disease. I know they both treasured the relationship they had and B* came often to visit us. They shared their love for the gospel and their testimonies with each other and were the best of friends. 

His next oldest sister, my aunt G* shared this story “In 1979 I went to out to Seattle and had the opportunity to ride across the country with my brother. We went across the country listening to Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson’s “Mommas, don’t let you babies grow up to be cowboys.” It was so fun to sing country music and drive across the country. It is a special memory I have always treasured and always will. He also shared his gardening with me and all the information from him has always been appreciated. I was always bragging about my brother who rode rodeo in college. He was a pretty cool brother to brag about.”

His younger brother K* shared this with me: “I have many fond memories of my brother like building kayaks with him and my dad; Joe reluctantly taking me with him on my first bird hunting trip;  and playing tag along when he went into the woods to build a fort. But the thing that he probably did not realize was that I wanted to be just like him. He wrestled so I wrestled. He liked outdoors so I liked outdoors. He wore a burgundy plaid tuxedo to prom in 1973 (cool and in style) so I rented the same tux for my prom in 1976 (out of style and hideously ugly). He was so well liked by everyone and even "popular" in school, all the while never wavering in his beliefs or his standards of living and his strong moral code  and never sacrificing these things for popularity and he was still considered as  "cool.”

Baby sister J – I remember this memory best of all. There was a church square dance. I was probably about 8 and I work my long denim prairie dress with a sash and puffy sleeve (it was the 70’s after all). Andrew was there and he polka dance with me, I remember my feet just barely able to keep up and sometime leaving the floor as we spun around and Andrew would lift me up to make the turns. I was laughing so hard I was hyperventilating and when the song was over I said “Lets do it again!” and we did! I never grew tired of it and I never stopped finding it hilariously exhilarating.

Husband

“Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl.” – Sir Winston Churchill.

My father has always been a tender husband towards my mom. Years ago a woman from the ward stopped by for something and saw some flowers. She asked whose birthday it was and we told her no ones. My father just had to be out of town for a few days and had sent flowers to my mom to let her know how much he was thinking of her. He did this on a regular basis. 

Every year for Valentine’s Day my dad would get a box of chocolates from See’s Candy. This year he was very concerned about not being able to get the chocolates himself. He asked Caitlin many times to make sure she got them for her. Then the early morning hours of Valentine’s Day, before my mom left for her early shift at work, my mom came into the bedroom and found my dad wide awake watching TV. My mom made a comment to him about his needing sleep. He said “I was afraid I’d fall asleep and no one would wake me up before you left. I just wanted to tell you Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you.” He had a few things from Valentine’s past on his dresser and on his desk. He always smiled as he saw these things. For Valentine’s Day a number of years ago my mother burned a CD with a sweet song on it that meant a lot to her. This last week when we went to get things from his office, we found this CD.

My parents have had the chance to take a few trips together over the years. On river trips, others have pointed out how much my father cared for my mother, making sure she was comfortable and had everything she needed. He was always willing to sacrifice to make sure my mom was happy. 

In 2002 they went to Washington to visit his sister for their 20^th Anniversary. It was a wonderful trip for them. In 2008 they were able to go with some other family members on a Mediterranean Cruise. I know he was so excited to travel to Europe.

During his whole illness he was so good to continue to tell my mom he loved her. In his last week I remember watching him spend so much energy just to give her a hug. My mom said he would always walk down the hall and no matter how tired he was he would stop and smile one of his biggest cheesy grins at her in the kitchen.

 A friend of mine told me the other day that she enjoyed coming over to my house and seeing what a good husband and father was like. His example has affected my own marriage and I’m sure will affect my siblings’.

Father

Thomas Jefferson said: “The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.” 

My father has always been a great example to me of a lover of history. In so many ways he tried to emulate his historical heroes, one of whom was Thomas Jefferson. He grew up at the foot of Monticello, Jefferson’s home. When I majored in History in college he tried to dissuade me, but as a daddy’s girl and fellow lover of history, it didn’t work. I got my degree in history. I continue to travel to his home town of Charlottesville to see his family and the historical places he loved. 

This last week as we were looking for pictures to put in the slide show we found a few things that have been tender mercies since my father passed away. My sister and I found a card in a box in his closet that said “I’m smiling because you’re my daughter, and I’m laughing because there is nothing you can do about it.” We don’t know which one of us it was meant for, but we like to think it was for both of us. 

When my sister and I went to his office on Thursday to pick up a few things, and we found dozens of pictures of his family from days past that he had saved. We found things that had been given to him from years past – including the small ceramic purple pig pen holder that I made him over 20 years ago. It would only hold two pens. And he used it. 

We found so many things like old wallets with pictures of us as children, we found an envelope that said “Dad” on it. When we opened it, we found it with a small card that said “World’s Greatest Dad, 2003” with a small stack of coupons for favors, hugs and kisses from my sister Caitlin. He kept cards from birthdays and so many things what we did for him as children. It has been a tender mercy to find all these things that he kept, because he treasured his family so much. 

For many years we took family trips to the Windriver Mountain Range in Wyoming. My mother always encouraged this as a way to build special bonds and treasured memories. We cherish those times and we are already planning our next trip into the mountains to celebrate his life. 

My dad delighted in telling stories about his children. One of my favorite memories of something my dad shared was when I was turning 12 and we were able to attend the Young Women’s New Beginnings. As my introduction he said I was like a worker bee with lots of stick-to-it-iveness. He gave me a small round of honeycomb, one of our favorite treats. I have always treasured that complement and have turned to it when I have needed an extra push to finish something and take on a challenge.

Taylor said some of his favorite memories have been in backpacking and learning from dad's talents. They shared an interest in woodwork. My dad set a stellar example for Taylor that he appreciates.

Cameron said he remembers my dad playing various sports in the backyard. He timed us as we did sprints down the yard. He was always ready to be out and playing with us. 

My sister Caitlin said my dad was always a teacher. In almost everything we did there was some way in which he was teaching us. As we'd hike the mountains he'd teach us about wildflowers, leave no trace concepts, the best ways to cook fish and most importantly a deep appreciation and respect for nature and all of God's creations.

Others

My cousin I* mentioned we would come out of the tents on our regular backpacking trips, and my dad would say “you guys missed the bear last night, but I was swinging a big stick, so you’re alright. “ He went camping a lot with so many nephews and nieces. 

My dad was known around my mom’s family as “Daddy Joe,” Our daddy and their Uncle Joe. So many of my cousins have fond memories of Uncle Joe. How much fun he was, the things he did. He was often laughing and goofy with his brother’s-in-law.

My father’s many family relationships and the memories we created with him will be cherished for all time. Just this last Sunday as family came into town we sat around the dinner table with extended family and talked about the many fun things we love about my dad and the things he did that made us laugh.

“Do they miss me at home – do they miss me? ‘Twould be an assurance most dear, To know that this moment some loved one were saying, “I wish he were here.” Caroline Atherton Briggs Mason

Dear dad, you will be greatly missed. What is this daddy’s girl doing to do without you here beside me? We will cherish the time we spent with you and all the kindnesses you shared with us. Your legacy will carry on for generations as a man who was trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. A wonderful boy scout.

 This daddy's girl  really misses her daddy!

 

A really hard post for me.

The two weeks preceding Feb. 28 were very hard for me here in Xiamen. My dad had started to decline quite quickly by the day and we were waiting for the moment to make the call for me to go home. We decided that when his weight reached a certain point, it was time. Well he reached it. On a Sunday morning I talked with my mom and decided it was time for me to go home. I left early on Feb. 28 and landed in Utah in time to spend part of my afternoon with my dad.


My three weeks home were the hardest three weeks of my life, but contained some of the most tender memories I have with my family.

At that same time we decided that my dad's family should come to town then if they wanted some quality time with my dad. We did not know what the prognosis was at the time. The way things were going we knew it would be quick. But we didn't know how quick. So late on the night of the 28th my sister went and picked up my dad's mom, older sister, and younger brother. The next day I got them and we went to my parents house. At that point my dad had lost a ton of weight and he was rather confused about a lot of things. It was really hard on his older sister. To make this harder my dad was the same age his oldest sister was when she passed away in 2007. My poor aunt G has now lost the sibling on either side of her.

Then on Wednesday we went got my dad's baby sister from the airport and went to lunch. We spent tons of time together on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Then my dad's brother left Saturday morning, his baby sister on Sunday, and his mom and older sister on the next Wed. Here are few pictures from my dad's last week.

Despite the confusion that accompanied his illness he remained the happy guy he has always been. He laughed most of that last week. And caused us to laugh plenty also. He continued to be so giving to my mom. He always smiled at her, hugged and only did what she said, not the rest of us.

 Laughing with his brother.

 Smiling for the camera.

 Showing his strong muscles.

 The remaining Araves. My grandpa died in 1989 after 14 years of a slowly progressing illness and My dad's oldest sister died in 2007 after complications from pulmonary hypertension.

 On Friday night we had a party and invited all his cousins who live in Hooper. He lived with them while he went to college and remained close to them through the years. My dad still had the most hair. Left to right: D, R, and brother K.

The group at the table.

My cousin, who lives in Evanston, son on my dad's oldest sister, even came in to town for a couple of days. He's just the happiest guy EVER!

He always got a smile out of my dad. 

 He was continuously smiling.

His best friend J. J came regularly with Wendy's Frosty's, A&W Rootbeer floats, and Roxberry juices. Most of the calories my dad consumed were from him. Thanks J for all your help. 

Looking of G's shoulder. They were always good buddies.

Some of the Araves.

My grandma, my dad, and his oldest sister. This was before the left. It was taken Tuesday night, they left Wednesday morning, and my dad passed away on Thursday night.

When they left on Tuesday night, he was doing pretty well. He was eating, his weight loss stopped, and he seemed very present with us. 

He woke on Wednesday and we knew things had changed. We believe something happened in the night.

The last 36 hours of my dad's life were hard to watch, but filled with tender mercies that brought us together more as a family that I could have imagined. My testimony grew, was strengthened, my respect for my siblings and my parents grew, as did my relationship with each of them. 

The Plan of Happiness is truly a plan of Happiness. We felt the presence of angels attending us as well as the prayers of many, known and unknown.

I know my dad is here with us still, watching out for us, cheering us on, and probably offering advice! I miss him terribly, but I know the Savior's Love is comforting me and my family and bearing us up. I now have another guardian angel on my team. 

The night of his funeral my sister and I went to the Symphony, one the best places for us, and a fried said to me, "Do you think your dad is picking your children?" To that I say, yes. He is. He's probably meeting those choice spirit who are going to join our family. He's picking children just like me, because isn't that the "curse" of every parent? Well dad, if you are doing the picking, and you choose spirits who will be children like me, I am very grateful! I think I was pretty good kid, as you told me. 

I love you dad and miss you.