Well, a few things changed.

I realized when emailing with a friend this week that this blog has not been updated in over 5 months. I'll make is short and sweet.

We had a great Christmas.

 We went to the Lower Lights Christmas concert. I love their music and the feeling present at their concerts. You leave feeling like you have a bunch of new friends.

We played some games with family, including a ridiculously large version of Tripoly.

In January we bought a new car:

I love my  new blue Ford Focus hatchback. Best zoom zoom car every.

Then on January 23 our lives changed forever. We went to work as normal. Around 11 am I got a call from a cousin who said there was a baby boy born in Texas and they were looking for a couple who could be ready and there that night. I called the coordinating social worker and talked to her about it. I talked to Daniel and we decided that we would put our info forward. So I sent her our homestudy and profile and 15 minutes later we were notified that we had been picked. We needed to have the fee to the agency by close of day and then be on a plane to Texas. I left work at my lunch break and went to Babies R'Us with my friend and mom. We got the basics. Daniel booked a hotel, rental car, and plane tickets. We stopped at the agency on our way to the airport and dropped off the necessary documentation. By 8:00 that night we had boarded a plane for Texas. The next morning we met Ariel and Lucas. Ariel was great. She was so easy to talk to. Holding Lucas for the first time was beautiful.

We spent parts of Saturday at the hospital and then running errands. Saturday after lunch Lucas was admitted to the NICU for a program of withdrawals due to some prescriptions that Ariel was taking. Nothing major, he just had to be supervised for a few weeks. We were in Austin for 3 1/2 weeks. We spent most of everyday at the hospital. My mom came and visited us during that time.

The last few months have been wonderful as I have been able to be a stay at home mom and spend all my time with my little boy. He's growing like crazy and changes everyday. Life is truly joyful these days.

To keep updated, follow me on instagram: @toadybear42

Another shirt

I'm excited about this shirt. It uses the beautiful bird that Cady Driver drew for us and a quote from my favorite author, Jane Austen.

http://teespring.com/flightoffancy

It's available in a couple different colors, long or short sleeve. 

This effort is helping me keep up hope. The holidays are harder when there are no children to share it with.. Fortunately, we have some amazing nieces and nephews. It's been a long time that we have been hoping to adopt and feeling the support of our friends, family, and strangers helps me keep my spirits up. Someday I be a mother and there is some amazing woman who will become our birth mother and hopefully be counted among our best friends. 

Will you indulge in a flight of fancy?

The epic quilt.

Oh. My. Gosh. This quilt took so much effort. But it was so worth it. I got the idea from a sewing conference. Then I got the idea to do the same thing on a large scale.

 

I liked the concept of the color bleeding over and making the circles look complete. I just had to figure out the logistics on a large scale. So I put together a mock-up. 

This is my paint version of the front and back.

I told grandma and she sent me these few fabrics to start with. 

 So I found the same fabric line at a local quilting shop here. So I got the other 22 fabrics I needed. 30 fabrics and 37.5 yards of fabric.

 The colors worked so well together. The whole of them made me feel so happy.

 Then I cut them into 10" squares and 5" squares. The large squares served as the front and small squares were put together to create the back of each square.

 The I laid them out in groups according to light/dark and by row.

 It took me 35 hours to put the back blocks together. I laid them each out and put them together each row, lights and darks. It took quite a bit of brain power.

 Then I hard to iron each four patch with the seams open. I need a new tool for that now. That was lots of tiny hot work. But no burns!

 Then I took my 9" round stencil and traced 240 circles. There was a total of 240 patches. That means I ironed 4,800 inches of open seams. This project took miles of thread too.

 These are the backs to the blue squares.

 

This is all 240 matched up front/back patches. 

 After tracing all the circles, I sewed around each one. That was 30" around each one. So at this point I  had sewn 12,000 inches.

Then I trimmed them all around the edges with some very heavy left handed ginger pinking shears. My thumb was bruised for a while.

After that, I to do the most heart-wrenching part, and cut a 4 inch incision in the whole part of each circle. That was hard. Then I had to turn them all right side out through the cut. I had to stick something in there (the end of a paint brush) to get the rounded seams pushed out as far as they needed to go. Then iron them all into perfect 9" circles. Lots of time at the iron. Are you catching a theme here? Lots of time...

 240 circles wrong side out.

 240 circles turned right side out.

 240 circles ironed right side out and in the correct piles for each row.

I put each circle into rows. light/dark alternating. This is where the logistic part from above was so crucial. 

 

All 15 columns with the right block in the right place with the right patch on back. 

  

 After I put each square together along the straight line, the scalloped part then had to be sewn down, creating a flower look.

 The middle section.

 On the bed.

 The whole quilt. My floor isn't quite big enough.

 I think I accomplished my goal of having each circle look like it is completed by overlapping. This is where the logistics of the back side came into play. It is actually the back side of the patch next to it folded over it.

 The back looks so cool. 

37.5 yards of fabric 

30 colors

240 squares

4800 inches of ironed open seams

33,800 inches of thread over 16,900 of seams

7,200 inches of pinking shears cut out

240 stenciled circles

Turned into one quilt with 150 hours of sitting at my sewing machine. 

One amazing quilt that I love. 

Any questions?

On hope and letting go of bitterness

We have all had bitterness in our lives at some point. Maybe it's held personally towards another person or circumstance, or maybe it was held towards us. Maybe it was a stew of bitterness at a general situation that then explodes with the final straw.

Today at work I was the receipt of someone else's bitterness. This person blew up over a parking issue. This person was parking where they shouldn't have. Simple as that. It ended by their calling me some pretty terrible names with some ugly language. I know this person and know that they are now divorced, their business is suffering and things are going down hill in general. But that is no excuse for being mean to someone. This person seems consumed by stress, bitterness, and anger.

I think we all have moments that are consumed by stress, but I hope to be able to avoid the bitterness and anger. If we look for it, we can find any reason to be bitter or angry. Life is so much better when we let it go, or better yet, don't even allow it in the first place.

I've held bitterness before, a grudge, if you will. It  has not been worth the effort. Ever. Did you know it takes effort to hold a grudge and to keep bitterness in you? It can exhaust you. Just let it go and move on to much better things. There are so many better ways to spend your energy.

Sometimes people have bitter for us in the adoption journey. Don't be jealous for us. It's our battle, our journey, and we are walking it pretty well. Be happy when others are blessed, have hope for our turn, and spread the love of adoption. I try very hard not to be bitter when others get picked, when we've had an active profile for over 3 years and are still spending our evenings going to bed early and sleeping through the night. We are trying to enjoy the time we have with just the two of us and being happy for others.

Sometimes it hurts to not be picked, or matched, or have our name spread as much as others. But I trust the Lord to do what he promised to do. To provide me with a family and children of my own. I tease that it's taking so long because God wants to send me the perfect children. People get a chuckle out of that, but really, we will get the perfect situation for us. And when the time is right, it will happen. In the meantime we are trying to let go of bitterness and enjoy the happy things and the beautiful things and do what we can while we can.

A lot of thoughts, forgive my ramblings.

I will often have these thoughts that I want to expound upon and reason out in writing, and then I get busy. Today I found a few minutes and so I'm going to write some of those thoughts out.

On Saturday Daniel and I spent the day in an adoption conference. We both enjoyed it and are still processing the information we gleaned from those sessions. And then yesterday my sister-in-law shared a thought that sort of dove tailed with something we heard on Saturday.

Thoughts from Saturday: Adoption is hard. Everything about our situation is a challenge. I am a type A sort of personality. I like control, rules, lists, plans, and most of all, I want things in order. One presenter from Saturday said she had a hard time with infertility because she was doing what she was supposed to. She was trying to earn her gold stars, but they never came. The disconnect was difficult. I can relate. One of the stages of grief is bargaining. That disconnect seems to fit right there, in the bargaining section. I have to admit I've been doing some of this lately. "Heavenly Father, tell me what I have to do to earn my reward." Yes, I think being able to have a family is a reward. But it's not working that way. And it is very hard and frustrating, to the point of tears some days.

A bit ago some woman had the audacity to write this article. Don't get me wrong, she is totally justified in feeling what she feels. But what about when just getting one child could ruin you? What if it cost you more than a car, just to get that first bundle of joy to worry about? Many of her arguments for the "flip-side" are felt by small families and families built through the struggles of infertility. Like Daniel said, as hard as it may be, you have something YOU can do about. We don't. Most of us. Daniel and I happen to have an answer, just no solution.

So then we are in the world of trying to build a family. Do you know how to have children when you can't have children? Adoption is one word. But there's more. How about marketing yourself? Did you have to have a marketing budget? Did you have to have an account at the bank titled "in case our life changes tomorrow fund?" Did you spend lots of time worrying if you enough or the right ones for the birth mother scanning profiles? Did you ever wonder if you had to change who you were so you could get picked? What if your true self is not enough? If you are enough, how can you get the right information in the right place at the right time? Were you worried about planning something 4 months out because your life could change with one phone call? We are in that situation. But nothing is coming. We are trying to live life as we have it, but with the little thought in the back of our minds that something might change. Hoping something might change. But it hasn't and as of right now it doesn't look that way. We just planned a dream trip for April and I'm torn up inside because I don't want to have the trouble that will come if we have to readjust everything. But I also want a call tomorrow that allows us to go the way of family building. What do you do when you want two good things that don't necessarily work together very well?

When my sister-in-law came over yesterday she was telling us about a Stake somewhere that had decided they wanted to be good missionaries through the internet. They assigned some people to write on a blog and some people to comment. Google does this thing where the more hits and comments, the more hits you get. Self fulfilling sort of thing. She suggested we ask a friend or family member on a rotating basis to leave an uplifting comment on each one of our posts. I'm happy to say that our post about Sushi on the adoption blog got 98 hits that day. Thank you to the people who shared it on facebook. Unfortunately, one instance of popularity won't cut it forever.

This is where I beg. We (maybe just me?) are a bundle of conflicted emotions. I'm asking for your courage and a few prayers. Will you pray for us that the right thing happens? It's hard to watch "the right things" happen for others and wonder if it is happening for us or will happen for us. I have nightly conversations with a legion of personal demons about that one. Send me your address and I'll mail you some cards with information about us. I'll share on facebook each time we post on the adoption blog and I ask that you take 5 seconds and share it, not just like it. If you have a minute and are feeling particularly generous, leave a comment. Friends and family are my best asset right now in our attempt to build a family. Maybe later when we win the lottery we can afford a bigger marketing budget, but right now my only budget allotment is time. And I seem to be running short on emotional energy to dedicate that time.

A needed night out

My mom was fortunate enough to get 4 tickets to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Summer Evening of Music with Nathan Pacheco and Lindsey Stirling and as she is Guest Services Missionary (which means she attends all the Conference Center stuff as an usher) she let Daniel and I have 2 tickets, and my sister and her husband took the other 2. 

We headed down to Salt Lake right after work and met my sister and her husband at Crown Burger. I just love my sister and we had a good catch up chat. We text now, more than chat, since her move to Provo. I suppose I'll forgive you Ben, for moving her away. My sister and I get along well.

So, the four of us headed over to the Conference Center. We had a good chat while until it got started. I was completely taken by surprise by how good Nathan Pacheco is and especially this song. I was sort of listening, getting settled in. Then the words got into my heart and I was crying before I knew what had hit me. This song is amazing. It's like my battle cry now. As soon as we got home from the concert, I bought his album on mp3. I have listened to this song 2 or 3 times a day since. I am still getting choked up when I listen. Turn the volume up and close your eyes.



The rest of the concert was great. I felt my soul fed by the spirit. Except when Lindsey Stirling was writhing about. That was hard to watch. But I suppose everybody has their thing. She was good and I was surprised she didn't mess up doing her thang up there. But good heavens, the prophet was watching. Be a little more modest.

I an grateful for those times when the Spirit pours into my heart and feeds me when I didn't know I was spiritually hungry.

I am also glad the we Mormons are such contributors to the artistic and musical worlds. We have talents among us and I'm grateful for those that have chosen and are able to share their gifts. I'm sure they never quite realize the good they do for any individual among the thousands listening.

On spending a month alone

Don't do it. Tomorrow Daniel comes home after spending the last 4 weeks in China. It has been hard. The longer it's gone on, the harder it has gotten. Thank goodness for family and friends. I've had meals at each parents as well as my grandparents a couple of times. I've had friends help entertain me. Last Saturday I went with some good friends to go shopping, do a session in the Oquirrh Mountain temple, and dinner at Johnny Rocket's in Farmington. Very yummy, I may say. My back door neighbors even sent over some soup. (Thank you Craig & Melissa!)

You never know how much you depend on just having another person present, until that person is gone. I was only able to talk to Daniel once a day, at the end of my day, because of the time difference. This meant that by the time we talked I was worn out, tired, fed up, finished and exhausted. Making for a few whiny conversations on my part.

I've learned a few things about myself during the process. Some things I didn't want to learn. But don't we all have those kinds of lessens? Unfortunately the journeying isn't over yet. He'll have a few more trips to China before this is over. And even then he'll take regular maintenance trips once a quarter or so. Can I just say that, often, being a grown up sucks? Yup.

Another blogger, Kenna, wrote about being safe under her boulder. I must say, she put it well. I can sympathize. I've been hiding on my wingback chair in the TV room escaping into the world of Psych for the last month. I'm on episode 67 or something - in just a month. I think I have a crush on Shawn Spencer. Besides work, and the times I've come out to get fed, I have holed up in my house with my sometimes wonderful, sometimes obnoxious, dogs. I have retreated. But tomorrow I have to get up and come out and be a grown up.

Fortunately I'll have my wonderful, patient, hard working husband back to stand by my side while we battle the foes and challenges that come at us. I'll recharge and we'll be able to deal with the stuff that keeps getting in the way of our progressing to our goals.

I'm glad Daniel has a good job, but I'm also glad that we have been promised there will be no more 4 week trips. Hallelujah.

On Adoption

Many of you know, and if you don't, now you will, that Daniel and I can only grow our family through adoption.

We had to put our profile on hold while we were in China. It was hard to put that on hold, as it was something I wanted quite badly, but we knew it was right. We were able to have an amazing experience that would not have been possible with a small child.

But now we're home. And it's time to step it up. Daniel and I are in the process of updating our profile. We need just a few more things (fire hoops, miracles, and congressional acts) and it will be complete. So I am asking for you all to be on the lookout. In going through LDS Family Services, the odds are against us. They have 3 couples for every baby placed. The surest way for us to find our baby is to go looking for them. Good things come to those who wait but better things come to those who go actively looking.

Last week I saw this video on pinterest. It is an amazing story. Someone out there, reaching out and being compassionate and brave, is how Daniel and I are going to get our babies.

Chapel's Adoption Story | the feature from stillmotion on Vimeo.

Did you get goosebumps?

Please be on the lookout for us. And even if you don't send a baby right to us, maybe something that you say, some good deed that you do, some testimony you share will help that someone along their path anyway. It's all about good karma my friends.

Bingo!!

Every year, for 49 years now, my Budge family has played Christmas Bingo. It is quite the party now. It started with my grandma and grandpa and their children at the time, three of them. This year we had 41 people and we were missing 7 from the family! Crazy. We're growing like mad. This year went really well and everyone had a great time. We had to split into two shifts for dinner. So much yummy food. We had bacon wrapped duck rolls, chili, clam chowder and all kinds of other yummy sides. We had brownies with marshmallows (my favorite!) and rice krispie treats. Too much food. But fun was had by all. This year we had three engaged couples and a couple more that are close. So much young love. It was fun to have all the new fiances come join us. Plus, my aunt and uncle have an exchange student here from Europe and he was able to join us. His birthday was the next day, so we brought some presents for him and sang happy birthday and had him blow out candles and everything. Next year makes 50 years. Should we do something to mark the occasion? What do you think? I think so.

 My cute sister Caitlin and her cute boy Ben.

 My grandparents like to have a picture of each of us with the santa hat.

Dan

 Daniel in one of his new shirts.

 My uncle pulling his "turtle soup" face. He's an artist and this was a face he pulled for one of his book characters. He's the artist for President Monson's book, The Christmas Train.

 Laying out the prizes and setting forth the rules.

 Eying the goods.

 Daniel does the calling because of his booming voice and no-nonsense approach.

 Concentrating on the spots called.

 Caitlin won!

 Ben's first bingo prize ever.

 Tim got married on January 3 this year. He got tools as prep for becoming the man of the house.

Everyone minus the 7 who were missing. My cousin Ian and his wife Sara live in California and my cousin Jared and his wife April and their three kids live in Richmond, VA. We missed you guys! (Notice to two kissing in the back right? Yeah, that's my brother. He generally does something silly in pictures. We love his girlfriend Aubrey.)

So much fun!

Expounding upon propagation...

I'll get back to our Hong Kong trip next post.

In the last week I have had three people approach me, share with  me, or message me about missionaries getting calls to China accompanied with a note that says "Please call Pres. Monson." Take a moment and think about it. If the prophet wanted to talk to you, wouldn't they just call you? His number isn't given out.

After hearing this rumor three times, I called down to the Church Office Building and talked with the Missionary Department. I asked them about the China thing and she said it was false and would I do my part  to quiet those rumors with the people I come in contact with. She also told me that this kind of thing could potentially be damaging to the Church's current relationship with China. We have the liberties that do in China because of the positive working relationship and the adherence to the rules by the members of the church in China. There were many times I wanted to break the rules, but never did because we have to be above the idea of "but I won't get caught" or "no-one will know." We have to be unimpeachable.

This incident brought to my mind similar things or potential situations. I have the "friend," we'll call her Janet. In high school Janet's friend, we'll call her Molly, asked a guy to a dance. We'll call him Johnny. One day in a class Janet heard Johnny's cousin say "he just doesn't want to go because of the upcoming game and he needs his rest." Well, Janet thought she was taking about Johnny. So Janet told Molly that Johnny didn't want to go. Molly then decided to ask another guy, We'll call him Charlie. The next day both Charlie and Johnny answered Molly and said yes. Now Molly was stuck with two dates. Oops. Maybe Janet should have checked her facts. The situation was resolved and they had another friend with a guest in town and Charlie went with the out of town visitor. But let's just say awkward? Check your facts Janet.

It's also like me being the first to find out my friend is pregnant. Then I get on facebook and tell everyone. Not my firsthand info the share. I would have just harmed the relationship with my best friend and potentially other friendships of hers.

So whether something is true or not, if it's not your first hand knowledge, it's not yours to share. Janet learned that lesson in a very awkward way. We may hear it first hand, but as soon as we share, it's not first hand information anymore.

We as members of the Church enjoy sharing good news and sometimes we get a little carried away. I myself have been guilty of this, I'm sure. If the Church were to benefit from such a wonderful opportunity, they would surely announce it and not be clandestine about it.

I love China. I would desperately love for my dear friends there to be able to hear the gospel preached in their land in their own tongue. But we are years away from that still. The Communist party is still the same. Their ideals and goals for their people are still the same.

Daniel described it as an older brother looking after the hot teenager sister. He is very protective until he is sure that things won't harm her. Right now the relationship with China is good. We have their trust. But we have to keep it and keep earning it. They know we do good. But they have to be sure it's good for their people, not just good in general. So there are small allowances. We can share with Chinese nationals outside of China. Chinese national members can share with with their family - parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, siblings, cousins. This is a fairly recent development (2 years, I think. Don't quote me on it though.) Things will change little by little according to the Lord's plan. Let's have faith in his timing and in his hand.

The Lord will not lead us astray or do something that people aren't prepared for. He knows what he's doing. I always tell myself, he hasn't messed up yet, so why would he now? We know how fair he is and that everyone will get a chance to hear the gospel, whether in this life or the next. Maybe someone alive today will get to be part of that amazing opportunity of sharing the gospel openly in China. Until then, let's enjoy the amazing opportunities that are ours today and share the gospel wherever else we can.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Being Home

As of writing this, Daniel and I have been home from Xiamen for 9 days. People keep asking us how it feels.

Well. I'm home. That's about all there is to say. It was a little surreal the first two days being back in our own house, but with only a bed and our suitcases. But Daniel and I both went back to work Monday morning and we've gotten back into the swing of things pretty easily.

The hard parts for me are when I think about Xiamen and realize I have no idea if and/or when I'll ever get to go back. I'm missing my friends there and I'm seriously craving some of the food. We ate lots of international stuff there. I went to a couple of grocery stores this week and scoured the international sections for spices and seasonings to resemble some of my favorite foods there. I'll let you know how they turn out.

I even went to the Oriental Market in Riverdale Road to see what they have. The dumplings were disappointing. They should have been marketed as pot-stickers, and not dumplings. My favorite dumplings from China were what is called shui jiao. Boiled dumplings of, most often, pork and Chinese leeks. Yummy. I like to eat mine dipped in black vinegar. Don't boil pot-stickers. They don't taste very good.

I bought 6 different yellow curries to find which is closest to the Malaysian Yellow curry I ate there. I loved the Chicken Malai Tikka at the Indian restaurant. And the cheese kebabs? Oh my. I'm sure I'll never find things like those again. It's like a deep fried cheese churro. Yummy.

The other big adjustment is the prices. We forgot how expensive some stuff in America really is. I find I was quite disconnected from the US dollar. I'm learning to grocery shop all over again.

But it feels good and right to be home. We are getting our house settled in. In the coming weeks we hope to be able to get our adoption profile back up and going.

Some people have also asked if Daniel is working for the same company. Yes. We went to China for the same company he has worked for for over 10 years. It was a single project. Now that we are home, Daniel will continue to travel fior longer, more frequet periods of time until the project is done. Then he will travel less just keep things current. He is still working for Lifetime and is happy there.

Any other questions?

Thanks for all the welcome home's we've had. We are happy to be back!

Yimi and Stuart

Yimi was probably our biggest help in China. Every time I needed something translated, or someone to interpret, or money on my phone, I called Yimi. This spring she started dating, her now boyfriend, Stuart. He is awesome. They bath have been very good to us. The Wednesday before we left they took us to dinner. It was a yummy dinner and a good time.

They are awesome and we wish the best for them. I am planning on keeping in contact with these two. We love you and miss you Yimi!