We have all had bitterness in our lives at some point. Maybe it's held personally towards another person or circumstance, or maybe it was held towards us. Maybe it was a stew of bitterness at a general situation that then explodes with the final straw.
Today at work I was the receipt of someone else's bitterness. This person blew up over a parking issue. This person was parking where they shouldn't have. Simple as that. It ended by their calling me some pretty terrible names with some ugly language. I know this person and know that they are now divorced, their business is suffering and things are going down hill in general. But that is no excuse for being mean to someone. This person seems consumed by stress, bitterness, and anger.
I think we all have moments that are consumed by stress, but I hope to be able to avoid the bitterness and anger. If we look for it, we can find any reason to be bitter or angry. Life is so much better when we let it go, or better yet, don't even allow it in the first place.
I've held bitterness before, a grudge, if you will. It has not been worth the effort. Ever. Did you know it takes effort to hold a grudge and to keep bitterness in you? It can exhaust you. Just let it go and move on to much better things. There are so many better ways to spend your energy.
Sometimes people have bitter for us in the adoption journey. Don't be jealous for us. It's our battle, our journey, and we are walking it pretty well. Be happy when others are blessed, have hope for our turn, and spread the love of adoption. I try very hard not to be bitter when others get picked, when we've had an active profile for over 3 years and are still spending our evenings going to bed early and sleeping through the night. We are trying to enjoy the time we have with just the two of us and being happy for others.
Sometimes it hurts to not be picked, or matched, or have our name spread as much as others. But I trust the Lord to do what he promised to do. To provide me with a family and children of my own. I tease that it's taking so long because God wants to send me the perfect children. People get a chuckle out of that, but really, we will get the perfect situation for us. And when the time is right, it will happen. In the meantime we are trying to let go of bitterness and enjoy the happy things and the beautiful things and do what we can while we can.
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
2.23.2012
Some thoughts
I'm sorry I haven't posted much recently. I have some back blogging to do and some catching up for you all. I have some fun random pictures to post. Things have been pretty busy for the last week and half.
I have some thoughts I need to put down in writing. There are some circumstances at home that are contributing to a feeling of homesickness. When things go on 8,000 miles away that can't be changed by your being there, but you still want to be home, it's very easy to get frustrated. I'm being tested in ways that I've never been tested before. I'm dealing with challenges that, at times, seem unfair. Add that to the fact that we are committed to a short extension, and all of the sudden I want to be done and just move home. Fortunately we are going to have a few trips coming soon, then in May more Lifetime people are coming for six months, so our time will go quickly.
At the same time as our good experience will go by quickly, it's amazing how much can go wrong in a very short amount of time. During the last week I had two tender mercies shared with me that have given my heart comfort. A comfort that I need as the ache sometimes becomes physically painful. I'm going to share them here and hope they can benefit other people too.
The first: I read a blog called Segullah. There was a post on Saturday, the 17th, that was really what I needed. It was titled "That Thing That is of Most Worth. A woman wrote about a time when that phrase struck very true wherein she had a moment when those things that valued most could have been taken away from her. Then she remembered the following scripture:
At the same time as our good experience will go by quickly, it's amazing how much can go wrong in a very short amount of time. During the last week I had two tender mercies shared with me that have given my heart comfort. A comfort that I need as the ache sometimes becomes physically painful. I'm going to share them here and hope they can benefit other people too.
The first: I read a blog called Segullah. There was a post on Saturday, the 17th, that was really what I needed. It was titled "That Thing That is of Most Worth. A woman wrote about a time when that phrase struck very true wherein she had a moment when those things that valued most could have been taken away from her. Then she remembered the following scripture:
Romans 8:35-39
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
38 For
I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor
principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I got the overwhelming feeling that if I did not feel the love of Christ and my Heavenly Father at any point, it was my fault. How wonderful to know that no matter what, Christ's love is there for me to feel. Things that go wrong are not his fault. Most of the time they are part God's plan to turn me into the most amazing "me" that he has planned. Unfortunately I'm going to get a few bumps and bruises along the way. I just wish the bumps and bruises along the way didn't hurt so much.
On Sunday I shared this is our Relief Society "Lesson." Once a month the sisters in our group go into a separate room while the men have Elder's Quorum over skype. We had a discussion and share helpful things. It's always enjoyable. This week we talked about the George Albert Smith Lesson #3: Our Testimony of Jesus Christ.
As we talked about President Smith's testimony and a few other things, I felt compelled to share the Romans reference. Then our group leader shared a corresponding thought. She had had a stillborn child in the late 80s and had just gotten home from the hospital feeling empty, in so many ways. She had children at home, but the pain was still very acute. She opened up the Ensign and read a poem, almost never reading the poetry at any other time. It was this:
Little one,
remember when I took
the five brown pennies
from your hand,
and in their place
I put a gleaming silver dime?
To my surprise,
you cried with rage—
replacing five with one
could not be fair!
I smiled, then,
at childish reckoning …
until I thought how often
that our Father takes away
the copper blessings
from my hand
and in their place
He puts more precious ones.
Yet, angrily, I count myself
defrauded by the gift.
I have not understood
Eternal reckoning.
Someday I hope to understand eternal reckoning. Right now I cannot imagine anything more valuable than what I fear I will loose this year, but the Lord' love is there for me and there will be something amazing that he blesses me with at some future date. I feel I'm at risk of loosing my "dime" like blessings all too soon and I can't yet see the quarter or silver dollar that is coming my
way. But they will come and I just have to search for the love of my Savior in the meantime. I pray it comforts me through my "太硬" (tai nan) trails right now.
I'm so glad I have a testimony of the gospel. I'm so grateful that I have the gospel. In China, that gratitude is felt with more conviction as we are more on our own than we would be at home. I'm so grateful for my husband who is a worthy priesthood holder and can give me a blessing when my heart is unsettled. Without the gospel my life would seem to crumble around me. That is my testimony, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
11.24.2011
My Chinese, locked out, Mexican food, Thanksgiving.
Yes, each of those happened to me. Today alone.
To start, I woke up early and taught seminary. I am grateful for this opportunity for many reasons. I have never been very good at the Old Testament. I'm at least passable with the other books. The Old Testament is like me doing calculus. And if you know me, I haven't had math since I was about 16 years old. Not my thing. So now I am learning the Old Testament much better and I love that. I also get to start my days, every other week, with an hour of spirituality, despite the dead pan attitude of my skype attendees. Seriously, teenagers in the morning is bad, but over the internet where you can't stare them down? Worse.
But the best thing is the preparing of the lessons in which I learn and feel the spirit and grow according to my own knowledge. I believe I need this specific boost at this time, partly because of the challenges of living in China, but also dealing with the challenges that life is giving us in general right now. Things are hard and the gospel is good.
After this, I go back to bed for about 2-3 hours. I am not a morning person. I need that morning nap. It gets me going for the rest of the day. And apparently I need it when I roll over and find it is three hours later. Today I exercised, thank you Pinterest, and then called my mom for a good chat. Then I finished getting ready, had some leftovers for lunch and headed out the door. Without my key. As the door slammed shut I remembered that I saw my key outside my purse. Lovely. Now this isn't Utah, where the doors are unlocked until you lock them. I have no door knob. Just a pull lever. The latch will always catch. Which means it always locks. Always.
Fun, huh? Since it was 1 o'clock and I had stuff to do for a while I didn't worry about it much. I called Daniel and told him I was a dork and to make sure he comes home on time. then I went with a woman that goes to church with us and we walked like around our nearby shopping centers for nearly 3 hours. I was successful in what I was looking for and came home with about 30 kuai in my pocket. (That's like 5$). This can't do much.
While shopping we found these little treasures.
In any of you understand what these are supposed to mean, please let me know. We are making a little bit of a collection of bad translations or just bad English in general. It's awesome.
When I got back I went to see if the building managers could let me in. Nope. Not unless I wanted to partially destroy the door and get new locks. Not happening. So I called Yimi, my translator, and had her call my maid to find out how she got in when the door was jammed. Turns out Ayi was in the neighborhood and she ran her key over to me on the condition that I pay for her taxi fair. Let me clarify here, that this is not a greedy move. For someone who only makes 130$ from me, a taxi fair is a luxury that is not indulged. So I said gladly, and 15 minutes later she came running into the building, handed me her key, told me to pay her tomorrow, and ran back out. Thank heavens. I was in.
Then Daniel and I talked about dinner and what to do. He text me on his way home and said "Let's do Coyote." sounds good to me. So I turned on Pushing Daisies, which by the way should never have been cancelled, and started to organize things for my trip home. 45 minutes later, Daniel text me and said he was at Coyote and was I coming. Well, yes. I had no idea that I was supposed to meet him there.
There are two times at which it is a nightmare to catch a taxi. During shift change, from 4:20-5:00 and after the work day, 6:00-6:30. It was not 6:15 and I had to wait nearly 15 minutes for a taxi. But I got to the restaurant (using 9 of my 30 kuai) just fine. I had a delightful dinner of soup that burned my throat a little, a quesadilla with black beans, and some guacamole (new recent favorite acquired taste). To top it off we indulged in this rare treat:
Look carefully and home made pumpkin cheese cake with white chocolate chips made in China and eaten at a Mexican restaurant. Jealous? You should be. It was amazing. We bough 2 pieces. One we shared there, and the other we will share tomorrow night for out at home date. It was so good.
Then we had the fun of giving our taxi driver directions home because he didn't know where it was. This, by the way, is only the 2nd time this has happened.
All in all, it was a pleasant day, though, despite the challenges. It made me grateful for things like cell phones with translation apps and cheap taxi rides.
I am looking forward to being home on Tuesday and seeing as many of you as possible. I can't wait to taste things like my grandma's cranberry jello. Oh,. So. Good. To sleep on a soft bed, to smell fresh air, to indulge in quiet. I know, "quiet you say," well yes. Even though I am often home alone, I can hear cars, wind, boat horns, the songs blared over the loud speaker for the kindergartners to exercise and have recess with, and the grinding. The jack hammers have quit for the time being, thank heavens, and all it is now is pounding with like a sledge hammer.
Well, have I been entertaining this post? I hope so. I hope all of you Americans that read my blog are grateful for the traditional Thanksgiving that will be yours this year. Enjoy some pie for me, okay?
To start, I woke up early and taught seminary. I am grateful for this opportunity for many reasons. I have never been very good at the Old Testament. I'm at least passable with the other books. The Old Testament is like me doing calculus. And if you know me, I haven't had math since I was about 16 years old. Not my thing. So now I am learning the Old Testament much better and I love that. I also get to start my days, every other week, with an hour of spirituality, despite the dead pan attitude of my skype attendees. Seriously, teenagers in the morning is bad, but over the internet where you can't stare them down? Worse.
But the best thing is the preparing of the lessons in which I learn and feel the spirit and grow according to my own knowledge. I believe I need this specific boost at this time, partly because of the challenges of living in China, but also dealing with the challenges that life is giving us in general right now. Things are hard and the gospel is good.
After this, I go back to bed for about 2-3 hours. I am not a morning person. I need that morning nap. It gets me going for the rest of the day. And apparently I need it when I roll over and find it is three hours later. Today I exercised, thank you Pinterest, and then called my mom for a good chat. Then I finished getting ready, had some leftovers for lunch and headed out the door. Without my key. As the door slammed shut I remembered that I saw my key outside my purse. Lovely. Now this isn't Utah, where the doors are unlocked until you lock them. I have no door knob. Just a pull lever. The latch will always catch. Which means it always locks. Always.
While shopping we found these little treasures.
When I got back I went to see if the building managers could let me in. Nope. Not unless I wanted to partially destroy the door and get new locks. Not happening. So I called Yimi, my translator, and had her call my maid to find out how she got in when the door was jammed. Turns out Ayi was in the neighborhood and she ran her key over to me on the condition that I pay for her taxi fair. Let me clarify here, that this is not a greedy move. For someone who only makes 130$ from me, a taxi fair is a luxury that is not indulged. So I said gladly, and 15 minutes later she came running into the building, handed me her key, told me to pay her tomorrow, and ran back out. Thank heavens. I was in.
Then Daniel and I talked about dinner and what to do. He text me on his way home and said "Let's do Coyote." sounds good to me. So I turned on Pushing Daisies, which by the way should never have been cancelled, and started to organize things for my trip home. 45 minutes later, Daniel text me and said he was at Coyote and was I coming. Well, yes. I had no idea that I was supposed to meet him there.
There are two times at which it is a nightmare to catch a taxi. During shift change, from 4:20-5:00 and after the work day, 6:00-6:30. It was not 6:15 and I had to wait nearly 15 minutes for a taxi. But I got to the restaurant (using 9 of my 30 kuai) just fine. I had a delightful dinner of soup that burned my throat a little, a quesadilla with black beans, and some guacamole (new recent favorite acquired taste). To top it off we indulged in this rare treat:
Then we had the fun of giving our taxi driver directions home because he didn't know where it was. This, by the way, is only the 2nd time this has happened.
All in all, it was a pleasant day, though, despite the challenges. It made me grateful for things like cell phones with translation apps and cheap taxi rides.
I am looking forward to being home on Tuesday and seeing as many of you as possible. I can't wait to taste things like my grandma's cranberry jello. Oh,. So. Good. To sleep on a soft bed, to smell fresh air, to indulge in quiet. I know, "quiet you say," well yes. Even though I am often home alone, I can hear cars, wind, boat horns, the songs blared over the loud speaker for the kindergartners to exercise and have recess with, and the grinding. The jack hammers have quit for the time being, thank heavens, and all it is now is pounding with like a sledge hammer.
Well, have I been entertaining this post? I hope so. I hope all of you Americans that read my blog are grateful for the traditional Thanksgiving that will be yours this year. Enjoy some pie for me, okay?
4.24.2011
Our Easter Sunday
We spent our Easter Sunday rather quietly. We went to Church at the Brittons and then stayed for lunch. It was nice to be with other members of the church on Easter. Brother Britton taught the Gospel Doctrine lesson - over the phone. I was asked to participate by sharing a time in which I lived a gospel principle and had my testimony strengthened.
I shared when I paid a large amount of tithing at a time when I was trying to save money for trip to Italy with my mother and in order to go I had to pay for it myself. I was working my tail off at various jobs and I sold my family so many Ligori's frozen pizza's they almost got to the point they wanted to pay me not to sell them. Later that same Sunday night someone from the ward called me and offerede m a job for the Christmas season. It was enough to help me finish paying for this trip. To a 15 year old it was an amazing testimony builder. It was odd talking into a phone from which I could not hear anything and I had no confirmation that people were hearing what I was saying.
We got some Easter Lilies and we are now watching a cute movie and blogging about life here in Xiamen.
I am very grateful for the life Heavenly Father has given me. Among my trials have been many tender mercies. I know the Lord is watching over our experience in China helping us in little ways every day.
I am grateful this Easter Sunday to have a Savior and to have a personal knowledge of my Savior. I am also grateful that we can meet as Saints in China and the technology that allows us to "congregate."
I shared when I paid a large amount of tithing at a time when I was trying to save money for trip to Italy with my mother and in order to go I had to pay for it myself. I was working my tail off at various jobs and I sold my family so many Ligori's frozen pizza's they almost got to the point they wanted to pay me not to sell them. Later that same Sunday night someone from the ward called me and offerede m a job for the Christmas season. It was enough to help me finish paying for this trip. To a 15 year old it was an amazing testimony builder. It was odd talking into a phone from which I could not hear anything and I had no confirmation that people were hearing what I was saying.
I am very grateful for the life Heavenly Father has given me. Among my trials have been many tender mercies. I know the Lord is watching over our experience in China helping us in little ways every day.
I am grateful this Easter Sunday to have a Savior and to have a personal knowledge of my Savior. I am also grateful that we can meet as Saints in China and the technology that allows us to "congregate."
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